i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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