Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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