Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
