She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
