Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
