Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
