I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
