Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
