dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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