I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
