The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
