I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
