dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
