she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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