so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
