Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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