listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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