Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
