Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
