the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
