just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
