I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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