pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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