Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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