i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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