I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
