quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the barista slut.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize