If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
