I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
