Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
