No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
