yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
