i just wanna soil my oats bro
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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