weddingsv make me drug and hornr
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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