Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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