He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
