If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
