I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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