we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
