I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
