the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
