why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
this hospital has no fireball
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
