whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
