Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
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You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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