Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
