fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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