I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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