woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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