my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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