1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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