so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
should my penis look like a turkey
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
