Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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