Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
