I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
