my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
