Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
