Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
