you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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