just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
